A Letter to my 16yr old self…
Dear Christal,
You don’t know me yet, but I know you very well. No, I am not a stalker. Lets just say someone very close to you. Someone you will get a chance to meet in the near future.
Now you are probably reading this suspiciously and are a little freaked out. I promise I mean no harm and if you continue reading this, I am sure you will find great value… or not, who knows, you can be stubborn at times. What I do know Christal is you are very blessed, in every sense of the word. Yes I know, blessed is a vague term, and who really knows what this means? I guess no one fully understands. People get so caught up in life, days go by so fast, and even when we love people the most, we don’t truly understand the impact they have on our lives. The fact is, a blessing doesn’t always come in a beautifully wrapped package with a bow. Sometimes blessings come in a trashcan full of dog shit where finding the way out or even just knowing how to deal with the smell is the real blessing.
I know you are in high school right now and actually have a chance at being a normal teen now that you live with your dad, but I also know you frequently think about your sister and how she was left in the hell hole you tried so hard to leave. It fills you with regret, worry, and even thoughts of being too selfish. I understand. You were her big sister, her primary care taker but please listen to my words. YOU WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO TAKE ON THAT ROLE.
That’s easy for someone else to say right? Well, I will also tell you that this instinct of protection and nurturing will be embedded in your soul long after your teen years. This instinct will cause some extreme pain, but even more “out of this world” joys. Your experiences will continue to shape your sister and guide her to be a smart and responsible woman. There is one thing I should inform you of so you don’t get blindsided like I did… Your sister gets married at 17 years old. I know you will try to persuade her otherwise but she will need to make this decision on her own. The positive to this Christal, is she will come out of this marriage stronger and even wiser. What? Did you think I was going to tell you she lived happily ever after? She got married at 17!!! Your sister is in great shape right now and working in a well paying job with Rosie. I know! Crazy!
Hopefully I’ve taken some of the pressure off your shoulders, because I’m going to probably add some back on. I want to talk to you about your mom. I understand right now you go through off and on times with her. The “on” is ok and sometimes she shocks you at how loving she is. Then, like a light switch, Medusa pops out and you only HOPE you will be turned into stone so you don’t have to deal with such wrath. This Christal, is something you, unfortunately, will have to deal with for the rest of your life. In fact, I am still trying to find the deeper part of myself to deal with this same situation. I want you to know she really loves you. What is unfortunate for your mom is she will never know how to keep close relationships. She will always rely on you and your sister and she will never fully understand the ways you need to feel loved. What I recommend is for you to try to erase all the expectations you have for her and to appreciate whatever sane time you can get with each other. Going through the situations you have with your mother will make you so much stronger and smarter when dealing with people. This will turn into a passion you will find later in life. As you get older, you will also be able to better help your sister who will struggle with the same thing. Offer her guidance and support with this matter. Help her to control her emotions. You will soon find out that how you react to a situation makes all the difference.
On the flip side, your stepmom Coco is a wonderful mother and will be there consistently with love and support. Appreciate this relationship. To have a strong mother figure in your life when your mother is unable, was a blessing sent by whatever higher being you believe in. Oh yes, I know you are questioning religion now. Religion or no religion, there is no question how lucky you were to be born to a father like the one you have. I know you idolize him right now even though you may make (what he calls) “knuckle head” decisions. His influence has created a standard for the rest of the men you will let in your life.
Going into the relationship part for a bit. You are going to start a relationship with a friend in the following year. You both will be with each other (on and off) for the next four years. In the midst you will learn how to have a long distance relationship (as he will be deployed) how to balance love and family turmoil, dealing with romantic hardships and most importantly, how to know when its time to say goodbye to the relationship. As much as you think he is the one. He is not. This is not to say he is a bad person. You will actually learn many positive traits from him, you both simply cannot figure out how to bring the best out of each other. The decision to leave the relationship will be one of the wisest decisions you can make for the both of you. Throughout the after years of this relationship, you will meet several other suitors that are all very exciting and respectful. Enjoy this time and don’t get too attached as they all may have a way of connecting with you but are missing the most important pieces needed to be with you.
That piece will be found soon enough and possibly at the best time. He will come into your life and you won’t even know how much he will mean to you later. He comes at the time of your life when you are confused as hell about what you want to do in your career. He becomes your best friend. He becomes a huge motivator for you. He becomes your #1 supporter. You will be confused because no one besides your family has ever truly looked out for your best interest. Thankfully for you, you have life experiences that make you appreciate your relationship with him much more than you would have, meeting him year’s prior.
Timing is very important, and I’m starting to believe life is a bit strategic. You will see this if you connect the dots of your life and discover that everything you have been through sets you up perfectly for what you need to do in the present. So this blessing I speak of, is happening right now for you Christal, at the ripe age of 16. This blessing lives inside of you. You will have the best friendships anyone could ever imagine having. They will impact your life and become your role models.
Just continue living your life through your morals and values, and I promise, life will be good to you. I know this, because I am you.